When it comes to the doctrines concerning marriage and the man/woman dynamic, there is way too much emphasis placed on men. The ideas of leadership, headship and covering are so overplayed and ill-defined, they have turned into something which is not really Biblical, at all.
In the matters of marriage and the boudoir, many men have been taught that they are in charge and the whole sexual experience revolves around them. There are some doctrines that teach that he should get sex when he wants it and that his wife should always “be available” for her husband.
According to an article on alternet.org, if the man wants more sex, she should give it to him. If she wants more sex, she needs to do without, among other ideas that have little to no scriptural basis (http://www.alternet.org/belief/10-most-absurd-sex-tips-christian-right)
No matter what scripture someone may mistakenly use, there is nothing in the Bible to suggest that women amount to sex slaves for their husbands. Nothing says that she is the only one to be “available”, regardless of whatever is going on in her life. What crime is it for husbands to make themselves available for their wives? Hint: None.
Listen to her.
Communication is key to the entire relationship. When it comes to sex, more husbands need to listen to their wives. Finding out what she likes or dislikes and finding ways to accommodate will not only speak volumes to her, but will make some improvements in your sex life.
Make yourself available for her.
When you come home and your wife is in an amorous mood and you turn her down, you risk making her feel rejected. For most women, sex is more than just “getting off”. It is a personal, intimate time with the man she loves. So, when you can, shake off your day, focus on her and what she wants and go get with it.
Attend to her.
Go by her rhythm and pace. Let her call most of the shots. Do what she wants. You won’t be emasculated – but you will be havin’ sex. That’s right, boys…you gonna be “gettin’ some”. She won’t take over and there are plenty of times you will get to express your desires.
Note…flopping on her like a sweaty, horny walrus is no way to take care of or satisfy your wife (Now you have a picture in your head that you can’t un-see). This is the kind of stuff that makes it all about you and shows no regard for her, whatsoever.
As mentioned in my last post, let’s be careful to not make our desires into demands. Men are particularly good at this. It is likely a pride issue, that we want to be in charge and call all of the shots. These male-centric doctrines are not helping matters, either. So, let’s rehash some basics.
Husbands, love your wives.
We are encouraged to love our wives, “as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her”. The key in this is, gave Himself up. People often equate this with Jesus’ death. But, it does not say gave up His life..it says, gave up Himself. Everything He did was about others. He came to serve and not to be served. For some reason, many of us feel we are to be served. Not so.
We also read that we are to consider others more highly than ourselves. This doesn’t start when we walk out the door or are among the church folk. It starts at home. We are not the “big kahuna” and our wives are not subservient slaves. The passages that are used to teach that idea are used in error, out of context and otherwise misinterpreted.
If you ain’t gettin’ none.
There are reasons and seasons when the well dries up, so to speak. Other than health or getting older and the possibility of losing interest, sometimes there are emotional reasons, usually for women. Now, setting aside past hurts and abuses, she may be presently experiencing an offense in the home. Ergo, fellas, if you ain’t gettin’ any, it may be your own fault. Don’t, for one minute, think she should be putting out for you if you are messing up. I am not talking about the kind of woman that would use sex as leverage – that is another issue. I am talking about husbands who are being butt-heads or somehow neglecting something important to their wives. These are the kinds of things that strike a woman deep, to the heart, and it will affect how she feels about sex.
Take the kids off her hands, make sure the trash goes out, stop calling her mother a wart-ridden, pig-faced old witch, don’t make sex demands, pick up your socks and drive on the correct side of the road. It is not about “keeping her happy” as much as it is just being a blessing to her.
As for performance.
It is normal that, once in a while, the engine may become sluggish. Even in younger men. There are a few reasons for that, including stress and high blood pressure, some of which are better attended to with a medical professional. But, let’s consider a few easy options for staying at optimal performing level.
- Stay hydrated. Water is essential to many functions of the body.
- Reduce carbohydrates/sugar intake. It all tastes good but can bog a body down
- Drop a few pounds. If you are overweight, this is a contributor to sluggishness
- Get up and walk. Exercise is good to get the heart pumping.
- Take supplements, such as Ginseng
- Whatever is good for the cardiovascular system is good for your little performer.
- Adjust your thinking. Distractions and stresses can slow the engine as well as contribute to “performance anxiety”.
Even as we get older, doing a few things to take better care of ourselves will help us “take care” of our wives. If you are having serious health issues and have difficulty changing with diet, supplements and/or exercise, your doctor may be able to help. What we do to take care of ourselves should help with most performance issues.
Give yourself up for her.
Put personal agenda aside. We don’t have to be the “great alpha male”. Let’s serve our wives and do things for her and recognize that she is not second fiddle, she is not the servant to her husband anymore than he is to serve her. This is not emasculating nor will it “put the woman in charge”. It recognizes the woman God created just as He created her to be…ezer kenegdo (Some great teachings on that can be found). Let’s stop taking advantage of the natural servant attitude that women have and remind ourselves how we can serve the Great Gift that God has given us.
Husbands. Love. Your. Wives.