Looking back at They Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage, I wanted to see if I could approach some of that aspect of marriage that only a few dare talk about.
That’s right. That aspect.
Right? Yep..that’s the one.
If you are unclear as to the aspect I am alluding to, let me just put it out there…sex.
You just cringed, didn’t you. Either that, or your ears just perked up like a pug.
As I am writing this, I will try to be as forthright as possible without making anyone want to gouge out their eyes, jump off a building or volunteer for root canal with no anesthesia. I am not one to get too clinical, really. If you want to get into some really exciting details, I highly recommend The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Virtually any book about the sex act is good, if you need to pick up on some details.
Let’s start with this…I do believe that sex is meant for the confines of marriage. This is not a matter of legalism or prudishness. Sex is an intimate act and is best to be explored, experimented and improved upon between two people who have made a lifetime commitment. It is something that love and full commitment should be in the center of. What we do should be out of love, which takes away selfishness and considers the other first.
About selfishness. Men tend to get selfish, greedy and thoughtless in relationships and often in the realm of sex. So, guys, make sure it’s not all about you. Besides, if you are married to a woman who truly loves you, if you put her considerations and pleasures above yours, I will bet cold hard cash you will be paid pack in kind. Yup. You won’t be sorry.
Sex is an area that should be mostly about giving. Oh, yeah, yer gettin’ something. But, if it is more about giving, the getting often turns out to be more fun. So, maybe we should go on with some of the myths which come out of the brilliant minds of “Churchians”, who had nothing better to do than to regulate just about everything. There are many who, unfortunately, still hold to some made up regulations and consider them necessary for a “good Christian marriage”.
Made-up sex rules…
- Only in the dark
- All about the man’s pleasure
- Wives should always “be available” for their husbands
- Only for procreation
- Only “missionary position” allowed
- None of that oral stuff
When it comes to rules or preferences, this is something that is to be openly discussed between husband and wife. It takes communication. Then, it comes down to what both agree to. In other words, if a simple, tame, once a week amalgamation works for a couple, that is the direction they need to continue in. If wild animal, chandelier-swinging, wild-ape, house-shaking nastiness works, by all means, enjoy it! But, what if one likes it more tame and the other wants to crank it up a bit? This needs clear communication in order to see where some experimentation might be in order. No matter what, it should end in agreement and result in pleasure for both.
Don’t be afraid to do some research! Get online, ask a trusted friend, read books and articles. Don’t worry who is giving the tips and advice – sex is sex, no matter who is telling about it. Sure, it can get candid and raw, but you may pick up a thing, or two. Just be careful that it is kept in the realm of research to be discussed and experimented with your spouse.
As for these supposed rules, they have no Biblical base, whatsoever. The only mentions of sex are concerning adultery and fornication. As for marital sex…no listed, mentioned, hinted, suggested, insinuated, inferred or secretly coded rules exist. If there is any rule (if we may use that word), it is…do it.
Reasons for “holding back”.
It seems that sexual inhibitions are largely a woman’s issue. It can stem from any of several reasons…anxiety, stringent upbringing, psychological trauma from some form of sexual abuse, fear of the unknown to name a few. These really represent longer-term issues. Shorter term issues would be anger (he hasn’t done that chore, yet), exhaustion (like, from those kids she’s with all day), illness, injury, recent stresses – these are all mood killers. Men can be slowed down by most of these, as well (anger rarely has much effect).
Are you still here? Great! Please, make sure to leave any comments or questions, below. I make no claims of expertise and we can all learn from each other.
Communication and Cooperation
A couple should be able to talk freely with each other. Lay it all out on the table, so to speak. Maybe he would like more frequency, while she wants more “grope time” before the main event. Perhaps he has ideas that scare the color out of her hair or she thinks he should consider trying something different. He desires, she desires. Be honest, open and patient. Then, see where you can reach some area of agreement.
Tip: There is a big difference between desire and demand. Express your desires and listen to the desires of your spouse. But, do not make them into demands.
Then, when the opportunity is there, give it a go. Try that new thing or improve on the old thing. It is another way people improve together. Of course, if that same menu works for the couple, that is just fine. No rules.
There are areas in life where individuals draw a pretty strict line and sex is no different. One spouse may refuse to try certain things for any number of reasons. There are things that couples will agree on that are absolute no-go’s. That is fine – we need to agree on where to put on the brakes, especially if there is a chance of injury of some sort.
Yet, people should pray about and consider pushing their personal boundaries. Sometimes, we have some boundaries because of what we have been taught or simply because of the fear of the unknown. This may be where some of that research could be good.
I plan to go into another post on this topic…maybe addressing men on a few issues. Let’s see where this goes. Suggestions and feedback are quite welcome.